1
00:00:21,130 --> 00:00:23,450
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

2
00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:27,830
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

3
00:00:28,270 --> 00:00:32,049
I know I am, I'm sure I am.

4
00:00:32,590 --> 00:00:35,150
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

5
00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:41,250
I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

6
00:00:46,550 --> 00:00:48,990
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

7
00:00:52,401 --> 00:00:54,249
Oh, dear.

8
00:00:54,250 --> 00:00:57,729
What's the matter now, Figgis? Oh, the
heartbreak in these letters. No wonder

9
00:00:57,730 --> 00:00:59,170
they call it the agony column.

10
00:00:59,270 --> 00:01:01,570
Poor, worried of Grimsby. She's got
problems.

11
00:01:01,571 --> 00:01:03,969
Yes, well, I'd be worried if I lived in
Grimsby.

12
00:01:03,970 --> 00:01:05,129
Don't worry, mate.

13
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:08,969
My husband's dolled himself up and
staying out all night. Listen to this.

14
00:01:08,970 --> 00:01:12,889
He has taken to combing his hair across
the bald spot at the top of his head and

15
00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:14,570
drenching himself in aftershave.

16
00:01:14,571 --> 00:01:18,329
When I ask him where he's going, he says
he's joined the Freemasons and is sworn

17
00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:19,380
to secrecy.

18
00:01:19,970 --> 00:01:22,140
Do you think I have grounds for
suspicion?

19
00:01:22,141 --> 00:01:24,719
Should I ask him to make a clean breast
of it?

20
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,770
He'll be the left one if he's a
Freemason.

21
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:30,310
Shut up, Norman. Let's see what Clare
Butterfield has to say.

22
00:01:30,311 --> 00:01:33,399
Clare Butterfield? What does she know
about emotional problems?

23
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:37,070
She should stay at home and mind her
knitting, interfering old busybody.

24
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:40,740
On the contrary, Archie. Clare
Butterfield is the queen of the problem

25
00:01:40,741 --> 00:01:43,599
blending wit and homely wisdom in a way
that the humble housewife can

26
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:44,650
understand.

27
00:01:44,651 --> 00:01:46,639
Yes, she'll get to the heart of the
matter.

28
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,690
Let's see.

29
00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:48,910
Dear Worried.

30
00:01:48,911 --> 00:01:50,799
There could be a simple explanation.

31
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,559
Of course there's a simple explanation.
He's having it away.

32
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,760
Do you mind?

33
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,619
Do not confront him with your
suspicions. You may drop a gentle hint

34
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:04,899
not well, but first you must ask
yourself, why do you have these fears?

35
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:08,299
she's getting to grips with it, you see.
What she's trying to say is, look to

36
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:11,639
yourself, worried of Grimsby. Are you
neglecting your appearance?

37
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,699
She'll be advised to get out the old
black shift on nighty next, you'll see.

38
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:18,900
Yes, yes, I thought so. You see, she's
got to put romance back in her marriage.

39
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,350
He's probably reached the male
menopause.

40
00:02:23,820 --> 00:02:27,070
You should know something about that,
Archie. What do you think?

41
00:02:27,071 --> 00:02:32,159
Vigis, I'm not interested in these petty
marital problems. You seem to have

42
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,599
forgotten that I'm a bachelor.

43
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,759
Yes, but is that through choice, Archie?
Of course it was through choice. I

44
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,620
could have had any woman that I wanted.

45
00:02:38,621 --> 00:02:42,149
I chose to remain single, and when I
look at the way that certain married men

46
00:02:42,150 --> 00:02:43,930
conduct themselves, I'm glad I did.

47
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,369
Well, don't look at me like that. I know
I'm not perfect.

48
00:02:46,370 --> 00:02:48,290
Claire Butterfield has a phrase for it.

49
00:02:48,550 --> 00:02:50,190
I've reached my dangerous years.

50
00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:52,310
You have when your wife catches you.

51
00:02:52,311 --> 00:02:55,709
Remember when she found you with that
woman from Gateshead? You were certainly

52
00:02:55,710 --> 00:02:58,869
in danger that day. Yes, well, she did
lose her temper a bit, but she didn't

53
00:02:58,870 --> 00:03:00,570
realise that was my cry for help.

54
00:03:00,571 --> 00:03:04,209
Yes, we all heard you crying for help.
All right, at least it made her more

55
00:03:04,210 --> 00:03:06,560
understanding. We needed that moment of
drama.

56
00:03:06,790 --> 00:03:09,350
It's what Claire Butterfield calls a
catharsis.

57
00:03:09,351 --> 00:03:11,639
Lisa's put some life back into our
marriage.

58
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,939
Edie writes quite often these days. So
does the woman from Gateshead.

59
00:03:14,940 --> 00:03:16,400
You don't understand.

60
00:03:16,401 --> 00:03:20,219
Claire Butterfield would have
understood. She knows the ways of the

61
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:22,759
You should write to her, Archie. She's
very good on loneliness.

62
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,610
I'm not lonely, Figgis. And if I were, I
wouldn't write to Claire Butterfield.

63
00:03:26,611 --> 00:03:30,139
I haven't got any problems. Well, of
course you haven't, no more than any man

64
00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:33,399
your age. I suppose it's a question of
declining powers, that's all.

65
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,639
Clare Butterfield's very good on
declining powers. Will you shut up about

66
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:41,079
Butterfield? And there's nothing wrong
with my powers, I can assure you. What

67
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:42,580
wrong with you, Archie? What?

68
00:03:42,581 --> 00:03:45,799
Well, you don't seem to have much
success with women, do you?

69
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,600
What was that? Did I hear correctly?

70
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,460
Well, I'm worried about you.

71
00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:53,240
Oh, shy and troubled of Watford is
worried about me, is he?

72
00:03:53,241 --> 00:03:58,529
Trying to tell me, Archie Glover, that I
don't have success with women?

73
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:02,289
Ridiculous. I am extremely popular with
women. Then why don't you get any

74
00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,400
visitors? Because I prefer them to
write.

75
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:08,020
Then why don't you get any letters? Of
course I get letters.

76
00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:10,250
Hello, everyone. Here is the post.

77
00:04:10,530 --> 00:04:11,730
Anything for me, Gupta?

78
00:04:11,731 --> 00:04:14,229
Afraid not, my dear Glover. Nothing
again for you today.

79
00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:15,229
Very sorry.

80
00:04:15,230 --> 00:04:17,828
But never mind. One day I'll bring you a
letter, even if I have to write it

81
00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:21,328
myself. What good's that? He can't read
Urdu. That's all right, Gupta. You've

82
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,470
probably been held up somewhere.

83
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:29,339
Two for you today, I guess. Oh, yes, one
for me and... Yes, well, I think I'll

84
00:04:29,340 --> 00:04:30,480
keep that one for later.

85
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,100
Well, I think it's disgusting.

86
00:04:32,101 --> 00:04:35,619
A man should be able to manage with one
woman at a time. That's why you're

87
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:39,050
wrong, Archie. Man is by his very nature
polygamous. You ask up to here.

88
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,800
Don't ask me. I can't even get one.

89
00:04:40,801 --> 00:04:45,599
No, but most religions allow for more
than one wife. One for the cooking, one

90
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,479
for the ironing, and one for the other.
Well, I don't agree with it. Well, of

91
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:52,090
course you don't. Archie would settle
for one and do the ironing himself.

92
00:04:53,090 --> 00:04:57,370
Well, I'm different, I can't help it if
women are attracted to me. Excuse me,

93
00:04:57,390 --> 00:05:00,040
Figgis, I've had enough of your boasting
for one day.

94
00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:02,530
Ah, Glover, I'd like to be well with
you.

95
00:05:04,010 --> 00:05:05,650
Now look what you've done.

96
00:05:06,330 --> 00:05:08,920
Archie! What's the matter with Glover
these days?

97
00:05:08,921 --> 00:05:12,089
Oh, you've noticed too, have you,
Doctor? He seems to have lost the will

98
00:05:12,090 --> 00:05:15,160
better. He's certainly not responding to
treatment. He won't.

99
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,660
He's suffering from a sickness no drugs
can cure.

100
00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:19,350
As old as time itself.

101
00:05:19,870 --> 00:05:21,790
No, we've tested him for that, figures.

102
00:05:21,950 --> 00:05:23,630
I mean, he's not getting his share.

103
00:05:23,631 --> 00:05:27,709
His share of what, figures? His share of
female companionship. Archie needs the

104
00:05:27,710 --> 00:05:31,710
admiration of a woman like a flower
needs the sun and the rain.

105
00:05:31,711 --> 00:05:32,869
I see.

106
00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,670
I mean, he's wilting, figures.

107
00:05:35,150 --> 00:05:36,570
Very aptly put, Doctor.

108
00:05:36,571 --> 00:05:41,399
I don't understand figures. As long as
they be stars of female company, they're

109
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,199
the nurses.

110
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,839
Oh, well, that's not the same thing.

111
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,340
Familiarity breeds contempt.

112
00:05:45,341 --> 00:05:48,199
Especially when you've seen somebody
before they've taken their curlers out

113
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:48,799
the morning.

114
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:52,019
Good heavens, figures, the nurses don't
start the day like that. No, but Archie

115
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:53,070
does.

116
00:05:53,071 --> 00:05:56,319
He's certainly lost all mystique as far
as they're concerned.

117
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,620
What he needs is a little romance in his
life.

118
00:05:58,621 --> 00:06:00,779
That's the trouble with the National
Health Service.

119
00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:01,830
There's no romance.

120
00:06:01,831 --> 00:06:05,659
Ooh. I don't think we want anything
there throughout here, figures.

121
00:06:05,660 --> 00:06:07,160
Never know where it might lead.

122
00:06:07,161 --> 00:06:10,469
Oh, come on, Doctor, there's no arm in
it. Even in prison, you're allowed to

123
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:11,910
touch hands through the bars.

124
00:06:11,911 --> 00:06:15,869
Well, I suppose I could ask one of the
ladies from the League of Friends to

125
00:06:15,870 --> 00:06:17,970
visit him. Oh, not one of them old
boilers.

126
00:06:17,971 --> 00:06:22,849
Figgy, there are decent, hard -working
women who give all their valuable time

127
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,710
this hospital without remuneration.

128
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:27,720
So just you show some respect for the
old boilers.

129
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:32,249
And I hope Glover will do the same. You
know, I don't like his attitude to

130
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:34,360
women. Neither do they. That's the
trouble.

131
00:06:35,370 --> 00:06:38,500
I was thinking of writing to Clare
Butterfield about it. What?

132
00:06:38,501 --> 00:06:42,529
Nothing of bringing Clare Butterfield
in. What would Glover say? He won't

133
00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:47,030
I was thinking of using a nom de plume.
What about Lonely of Ward 3?

134
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:50,789
Lonely of Ward 3, figures. If Glover
found out, you'd end up as mutilated of

135
00:06:50,790 --> 00:06:51,840
intensive care.

136
00:06:51,841 --> 00:06:54,929
Now, give me that paper before you get
yourself in trouble.

137
00:06:54,930 --> 00:06:57,929
I was only trying to help. What right
have you got to interfere, figures? As

138
00:06:57,930 --> 00:07:01,249
as I can gather, your own private life
is not exactly straightforward.

139
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:02,430
It's a ghastly mess.

140
00:07:02,431 --> 00:07:05,539
So just you stay out of this and leave
it to the experts.

141
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:06,920
You're quite right, Doctor.

142
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,700
I'll leave it to the experts.

143
00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:14,000
Dear Claire Buckley.

144
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,700
Norman, have you seen Glover?

145
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:24,479
He's in the day room, writing a few
letters. Trouble is, no -one ever

146
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,780
them. It's very sad.

147
00:07:25,781 --> 00:07:29,259
Yes, he must be desperate. He's even
started a correspondence with the double

148
00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:30,310
-glazing people.

149
00:07:30,860 --> 00:07:32,300
I wondered if this would help.

150
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,860
I saw it in the small ads.

151
00:07:34,260 --> 00:07:38,170
Lonely heart? No, you'd never get Archie
to admit he's a lonely heart. Why not?

152
00:07:38,171 --> 00:07:41,039
He seems very sensible. All he has to do
is advertise, giving his likes and

153
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,090
dislikes. See here.

154
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:47,219
Unattached man, rather hairy, wants a
woman to share expenses and a trip to

155
00:07:47,220 --> 00:07:50,770
Africa. Who's going to answer that,
rather hairy? It could be a gorilla.

156
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:56,619
All right, what about bottomed man,
seeks a suitable lady, also likes

157
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:57,940
egg and fishnet type.

158
00:07:57,941 --> 00:08:02,869
Oh, you wouldn't get Archie involved in
anything like this. He's too proud. I

159
00:08:02,870 --> 00:08:07,349
mean, look, Goopty. Sugar Daddy needs
enormously plump Jelly Baby. Who put a

160
00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:08,400
thing like that in?

161
00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:09,980
I did.

162
00:08:11,830 --> 00:08:15,450
Oh. Well, you won't get Archie to do it.
You never know until you ask him,

163
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:16,540
Norman.

164
00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:30,170
I won't. if this might interest you,
Archie.

165
00:08:31,070 --> 00:08:35,169
A quiet word about hair transplants. Are
you trying to be funny, Norman?

166
00:08:35,429 --> 00:08:37,809
No, no. Here, in the personal section.

167
00:08:38,289 --> 00:08:40,309
Lonely hearts? My God!

168
00:08:40,530 --> 00:08:43,650
Do you think I descend that far? I've
got some pride left.

169
00:08:44,030 --> 00:08:46,730
I mean, look at the sort of people who
advertise.

170
00:08:48,190 --> 00:08:52,789
Philosophy graduate 30, fun -loving and
liberated sun worshipper, seeks

171
00:08:52,790 --> 00:08:55,080
companionship. I bet he does a little
pervert.

172
00:08:55,081 --> 00:08:59,339
What sort of woman's going to reply to
that sort of thing? Marriage, not out of

173
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:02,979
the question, but would prefer a free
-wheeling relationship with an

174
00:09:02,980 --> 00:09:04,140
male of the same age.

175
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,420
Good Lord, it's from a woman.

176
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,400
What about her, Archie? She sounds
fairly lively.

177
00:09:10,401 --> 00:09:13,659
Certainly not, Norman. When the day
comes that Archie Glover has to pay for

178
00:09:13,660 --> 00:09:18,759
or write for it, he'll retire to his bed
with a glass of hemlock. Now, just let

179
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,179
me get on with my correspondence.

180
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:23,159
Who is it this time, Archie? Double
glazing or loft insulation?

181
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,660
Oh, get out and leave me alone!

182
00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:36,260
Liberated sun worshipper.

183
00:09:36,571 --> 00:09:43,739
They've printed it. It's in the paper.
What is? Artie's letter. I didn't know

184
00:09:43,740 --> 00:09:46,479
Artie'd written a letter. No, well, he
didn't actually write it. I did, on his

185
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:50,100
behalf. I wrote to Claire Butterfield
and she's replied in print.

186
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,740
What? Listen, dear Lonely.

187
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:57,459
No? I was moved by your sad letter and
sympathised with your lonely plight in a

188
00:09:57,460 --> 00:10:01,619
hospital ward. But honestly, there was
an attitude in your letter that made me

189
00:10:01,620 --> 00:10:05,119
want to give you a good shaking. I knew
she'd want to give him a good shaking.

190
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,420
Do I detect a little vanity in your make
-up? Oh, does she?

191
00:10:08,620 --> 00:10:11,510
Try and achieve a little humility in
your relationships.

192
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,590
Don't expect women to fall under your
spell instantly.

193
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,620
There must be mutual respect and
understanding.

194
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:19,460
Oh, she's very good, isn't she?

195
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,200
It's all there in a nutshell.

196
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:22,470
Let me see.

197
00:10:22,471 --> 00:10:25,499
The feeling that you are bestowing
favours on the women you meet is bound

198
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:29,139
affront them. The experiences you relate
are sad, but I do feel that some of the

199
00:10:29,140 --> 00:10:31,499
thought lies with you. Love is like a
growing plant.

200
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,550
Nurture it, gently.

201
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:35,799
In the meantime, I'm sending you the
address of a respectable agency where

202
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,350
you'll be able to contact a woman of
similar background and interests.

203
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:40,610
Not bad, is it?

204
00:10:40,980 --> 00:10:42,030
Not bad?

205
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:46,459
He'll murder you, Fig. No, he won't.
That's why I insisted on a non -diploma

206
00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:47,510
publication.

207
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:48,960
It keeps it confidential.

208
00:10:48,961 --> 00:10:52,999
Confidential. You have just discussed
his personal affairs in front of three

209
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,920
million readers. He'll murder you, Fig.

210
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,900
Will you thank me for it later? This
advice is worth its weight in gold.

211
00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:01,040
And what are you going to do with it?

212
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:05,520
Well, I thought I'd just leave it for
him to see.

213
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:07,700
Let him read it for himself.

214
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,140
Let it sink in gently.

215
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,670
After all, it's in his own best
interests.

216
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,400
He'll murder you, Fig. I wish you'd stop
saying that.

217
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,800
Just thought I'd bring the post round
this morning. One for you, Figgis.

218
00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:22,920
One for you, Norman.

219
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:24,870
Ah, and one for me.

220
00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:29,010
Hmm, scented backwards slave.

221
00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:32,610
Obviously from a woman. Well done,
Archie.

222
00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:37,780
Yes, the post seems to be getting
through all right now.

223
00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:46,349
I think I'll just read this at the
table. I hate people looking over my

224
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:47,400
shoulder.

225
00:11:49,351 --> 00:11:56,839
Yes, Figgith? I just wondered if you'd
seen the old agony column this morning,

226
00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,619
Archie. There's a very interesting
letter. Figgith, I have a letter of my

227
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:03,860
read. Why should I be interested in
these poor lost souls?

228
00:12:03,861 --> 00:12:05,119
It's about us, Little.

229
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:12,019
What? Well... Dear Clare Butterfield, I
am a patient in hospital and

230
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,070
feeling very alone.

231
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,079
I long for female companionship but
always seem to fail dismally with the

232
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,130
opposite sex.

233
00:12:18,131 --> 00:12:21,589
I am not unattractive. In fact, many
would say I am good -looking. I have

234
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:25,929
considerable charm and an air of
breeding and refinement that most people

235
00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:27,370
give their right arms for.

236
00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:38,009
Other patients in the ward, quite
ordinary types, seem to attract all the

237
00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:39,060
attention.

238
00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:43,560
Have standards changed so much? Can you
be too witty and sophisticated?

239
00:12:43,670 --> 00:12:45,470
Please help me. I have so much to offer.

240
00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:49,670
And I cannot endure many more hours of
this agonising loneliness.

241
00:12:51,821 --> 00:12:58,549
Aren't you going to read the reply then,
Archie? Certainly not, Fig. It sounds

242
00:12:58,550 --> 00:12:59,750
like a bit of a crank to me.

243
00:12:59,751 --> 00:13:03,129
Too full of arrogance and self -pity. If
he were on this ward, I'd give him a

244
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:04,180
good shaking.

245
00:13:05,230 --> 00:13:08,360
You're looking great, Archie. The years
have just fallen away.

246
00:13:08,361 --> 00:13:12,429
Yes, to come up smiling after so many
years of suffering takes a special

247
00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:13,169
of courage.

248
00:13:13,170 --> 00:13:14,550
I think she'll be impressed.

249
00:13:14,670 --> 00:13:16,290
Who is it, Archie? Who's coming?

250
00:13:16,291 --> 00:13:20,509
Well, Norman, I've got a confession to
make. Promise me you won't tell figures.

251
00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:21,560
No, of course not.

252
00:13:22,650 --> 00:13:24,390
It's the liberated sun worshipper.

253
00:13:25,790 --> 00:13:26,930
The one who advertised.

254
00:13:27,170 --> 00:13:28,590
I wrote and she replied.

255
00:13:29,650 --> 00:13:30,850
She's a swinger, Norman.

256
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,790
Liberated, emancipated, fun -loving.

257
00:13:33,791 --> 00:13:36,859
Do you think I ought to draw the
curtains round a little more?

258
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:40,110
Now, Archie, you mustn't get
overexcited. Just take things easy.

259
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,539
No, don't worry, Norman. I shall be very
laid back. After all, she is a student

260
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:44,239
of philosophy.

261
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,279
Do you know anything about
existentialism?

262
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,919
Well, it's the anti -intellectualist
philosophy of life, holding that man is

263
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,999
free and responsible based on the
assumption that reality as an existence

264
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,410
only be lived and never be the object of
thought.

265
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,980
That's very good, Archie.

266
00:13:57,981 --> 00:14:02,589
Well, I have been doing a little
reading. I want to make the right

267
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:05,489
You know what these intellectual birds
are like? Pot -smoking, no hang -ups.

268
00:14:05,490 --> 00:14:06,930
They're acting like knives!

269
00:14:06,931 --> 00:14:11,369
Do you think you could go and keep a
lookout for her, Norman? She'll probably

270
00:14:11,370 --> 00:14:14,620
in a long dress, beads and open -toed
sandals. Certainly, Archie.

271
00:14:14,790 --> 00:14:18,640
What's her name? Well, she didn't give
her name. She just signed herself sexy.

272
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:22,070
Well, I'll go and look out for her. Now,
you just try and relax.

273
00:14:22,071 --> 00:14:25,149
Oh, don't worry, Norman. That's one
thing about philosophy. It does teach

274
00:14:25,150 --> 00:14:26,200
relax.

275
00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:29,580
Now...

276
00:14:31,530 --> 00:14:33,010
Ah, Mrs. Roper -Jones.

277
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:36,150
You wanted to see me, Mr. Thorpe. Yes,
do sit, darling.

278
00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:41,689
I wonder if you'd have a word with a
patient of mine. His name's Glover,

279
00:14:41,690 --> 00:14:46,609
surgical. Poor devil's just lost all the
will to go on. Oh, of course, I'll see

280
00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:49,870
what I can do. I usually find I can
liven them up a little.

281
00:14:50,930 --> 00:14:53,070
I'm sure you do, Mrs. Roper -Jones.

282
00:14:53,071 --> 00:14:57,029
And I don't think you'll find him very
good company at the moment. He's very

283
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:59,950
low. Oh, so is that poor man in
geriatrics.

284
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:04,339
He'd lost all interest in life until I
persuaded him to build some halls out of

285
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:07,220
matchsticks. Now he's a changed man.

286
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,060
Yes, I've got some rather bad news
there.

287
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,600
It burned down last night.

288
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,240
Oh, dear.

289
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:18,840
I implored him not to use live matches.

290
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,140
I trust it didn't burn down with him
before.

291
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:23,640
No, just his eyebrows.

292
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:27,780
Still, it's the first time we've seen
him out of bed for some time.

293
00:15:29,770 --> 00:15:32,170
At least it did create an interest.

294
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:34,530
Has Mr Glover any interest?

295
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:36,670
I think he's got one or two.

296
00:15:37,130 --> 00:15:39,240
I believe he's very interested in
nature.

297
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:40,800
Well, that's something.

298
00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:44,859
Yes, but I think his main problem at the
moment is his grim, crippling

299
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:48,599
loneliness. It's reduced him to a mere
shell. So I thought, perhaps, that the

300
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,539
sound of a woman's voice might just turn
this crusty old bachelor into a human

301
00:15:52,540 --> 00:15:53,379
being again.

302
00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:55,200
Well, I'll certainly do my best.

303
00:15:55,420 --> 00:16:00,360
I do find that the men miss the feminine
touch, that cool hand on the brow.

304
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,440
Don't touch him, Mrs. Remington.

305
00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:05,560
He's feeling rather depraved.

306
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:06,870
Deprived.

307
00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:09,209
What do you mean?

308
00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:10,260
I'm afraid so.

309
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:14,209
So if you could just go to a friendly
chat, a little verbal flirtation,

310
00:16:14,210 --> 00:16:18,869
more. You leave it to me, Mr. Thorpe.
Oh, and he's extremely proud, so please

311
00:16:18,870 --> 00:16:21,510
don't let him know that I sent you. Of
course.

312
00:16:21,890 --> 00:16:23,070
I'll be discreet.

313
00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:25,490
The question is, will he?

314
00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:30,770
Oh, excuse me.

315
00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:33,620
Could you tell me where I could find
Mick the Glover?

316
00:16:33,930 --> 00:16:35,330
Uh, yes.

317
00:16:36,990 --> 00:16:38,790
He's in here in the end bed.

318
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,180
Thank you.

319
00:16:42,090 --> 00:16:43,350
Mr Glover.

320
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:44,910
Hello, sexy.

321
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:47,770
Come and sit down.

322
00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:51,310
Now, Mr Glover. He's called me Archie.

323
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,830
Archie? And what's your name? I can't
call you sexy all the time.

324
00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:58,650
It's Helen. Helen, I like it. It's got
the right vibes.

325
00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:01,270
Sit down and let's communicate.

326
00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:03,290
Would you like a cigarette?

327
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:07,719
Only... Ordinary ones, I'm afraid. They
tend to keep an eye on you in here. Not

328
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,419
that I couldn't do with something
stronger.

329
00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,900
This place is really bugging me.

330
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,319
So I understand.

331
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,599
Have you tried raffia?

332
00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:22,629
Raffia?

333
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:25,460
Is that something new?

334
00:17:28,490 --> 00:17:29,850
Take your mind off things.

335
00:17:29,851 --> 00:17:32,749
Oh, don't worry. When I want to do that,
I always meditate.

336
00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:36,770
After all, what is it all about? Are you
here? Am I here? Is anybody here?

337
00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:40,290
Or are we all just figments of our
imagination?

338
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:43,470
Well, I'm certainly here. I came on the
47 bus.

339
00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:45,990
You're cool. I like that.

340
00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:48,050
As you can see, I'm very laid back.

341
00:17:48,430 --> 00:17:51,830
Oh, can I plump your pillows up for you?
Oh, thank you.

342
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:53,440
Oh, stay close, Helen.

343
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,440
I must have more physical contact.

344
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,830
Oh, your perfume is blowing my mind. Oh,
it's only Devon Violet.

345
00:17:58,831 --> 00:18:03,839
I'm sure we can establish a freewheeling
relationship, but how does marriage

346
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,419
grab you? Would you like to give it a
whirl? Well, actually, I'm married

347
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,700
already. Oh, Helen, you're a sly one.
Didn't work out, eh?

348
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,370
Never mind.

349
00:18:12,371 --> 00:18:16,359
Look, I know you're liberated and
emancipated, but do you think you could

350
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,040
the curtains round a little more?

351
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,100
Well, if you insist.

352
00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:31,949
Yes? I'm looking for Mr Glover. Oh, I'm
afraid he's got someone with him at the

353
00:18:31,950 --> 00:18:33,610
moment. Oh, I'll wait.

354
00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:37,400
Perhaps you could tell him that Claire
Butterfield is here to see him.

355
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:43,949
Claire Butterfield? Good Lord. Just wait
here, will you? I'll, um... I'll fetch

356
00:18:43,950 --> 00:18:45,000
someone, good Lord.

357
00:18:45,350 --> 00:18:46,400
Oh!

358
00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:50,090
Oh! I've never been so insulted in my
life.

359
00:18:50,350 --> 00:18:52,170
No wonder you don't get any visitors.

360
00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:53,880
Really.

361
00:18:59,340 --> 00:19:02,120
Yes? I really could give you a good
shaking.

362
00:19:02,121 --> 00:19:03,299
I beg your pardon?

363
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,179
This attitude is not going to get you
anywhere.

364
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:05,799
Isn't it?

365
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,639
Of course, I could tell there was
something radically wrong from your

366
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:09,690
My letter?

367
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,130
So it was you.

368
00:19:11,131 --> 00:19:14,399
Oh, sit down. I'm sorry about that. That
was a misunderstanding.

369
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,039
It certainly was. I was very annoyed.

370
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,179
You mean you were jealous?

371
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:20,299
Mr. Glover, you must get over this
attitude that you're irresistible.

372
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:21,380
call me Archie.

373
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,240
Very well, Archie.

374
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,180
You and I are going to have a serious
talk. Oh, good.

375
00:19:29,730 --> 00:19:31,770
Just draw the curtains round, would you?

376
00:19:38,550 --> 00:19:39,600
Hello.

377
00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:42,890
I'm looking for Mr Glover. He wrote me a
letter. No.

378
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:44,640
No, no.

379
00:19:45,010 --> 00:19:46,890
He didn't write that letter. I did.

380
00:19:46,891 --> 00:19:50,709
What? I suppose it was a cry for help,
really. Only when I'd finished, I was

381
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,330
shy to put my own name, so I put his.

382
00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:55,710
You mustn't be shy. Not with me.

383
00:19:55,930 --> 00:19:56,980
No, of course not.

384
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,200
I never thought you'd be like this.

385
00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:02,599
Not from the way you write. I thought
you'd be more, well, down -to -earth and

386
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,060
practical. Oh, no, that's not me at all.

387
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:09,799
I'm quite unconventional, really. After
all, that's why I'm here, on a mad

388
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,680
impulse. I know how you feel. I'm very
impulsive myself.

389
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,560
I suppose you could say I'm very
emancipated.

390
00:20:16,980 --> 00:20:19,510
Emancipated? You mean you're old enough
to vote?

391
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,680
I mean I'm very liberated.

392
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:27,729
Yes, well, I'm very liberated, too, only
you don't get much chance around here.

393
00:20:27,730 --> 00:20:28,910
Yes, I thought so.

394
00:20:29,510 --> 00:20:33,589
I love flying in the face of convention,
don't you? Oh, absolutely, I do it all

395
00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:34,209
the time.

396
00:20:34,210 --> 00:20:35,370
I knew we'd get on.

397
00:20:36,210 --> 00:20:38,620
Do you believe in a totally free
relationship?

398
00:20:39,770 --> 00:20:41,330
Well, I don't mind going halves.

399
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:46,100
On the other hand, why pay when you can
get it for nothing?

400
00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:48,540
Fascinating.

401
00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:51,870
Isn't there anywhere where we can talk?

402
00:20:51,871 --> 00:20:54,769
I'm sure we could find somewhere a
little more intimate.

403
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:56,390
Perhaps an empty broom cupboard.

404
00:20:59,070 --> 00:21:00,770
What do you think of Kierkegaard?

405
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,060
Who does he play for?

406
00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:03,340
Christ!

407
00:21:09,410 --> 00:21:11,450
What's the matter, Pete? My God, Norman.

408
00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:13,970
Claire Butterfield's a bit of a goer.

409
00:21:13,971 --> 00:21:17,509
I've been reading her column for years,
all about the sanctity of marriage and

410
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:20,220
forbidden fruit. I had no idea what she
was really like.

411
00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:24,100
She couldn't keep her hands off me. They
had to separate us in the day room.

412
00:21:24,101 --> 00:21:27,349
Where is she now? The porter asked her
to leave. Said she was upset in the

413
00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:28,400
geriatrics.

414
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:31,130
I don't understand, Fitz. Neither do I.

415
00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:33,570
I've been invited to a sex orgy in
Penge.

416
00:21:34,350 --> 00:21:38,020
No, I mean, if you've been with Claire
Butterfield, who's that in there?

417
00:21:38,610 --> 00:21:39,660
What?

418
00:21:39,661 --> 00:21:44,709
You see, Archie, you really must get
over this idea that women are solely sex

419
00:21:44,710 --> 00:21:48,669
orgies. That they're there entirely for
your pleasure. You must allow time for a

420
00:21:48,670 --> 00:21:50,070
relationship to grow.

421
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,560
Oh, to mature, to ripen.

422
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,450
Do you understand that? Yes, you've been
telling me for the last hour.

423
00:21:56,451 --> 00:22:00,259
The bell's going to go in a minute.
Well, there's so much you can't put in a

424
00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:02,119
letter. That's why I wanted to talk to
you.

425
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,299
Are you ready for that kind of
relationship? Ready? I've been ready for

426
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:09,379
hour. Oh, there's the bell. Look, I
think our relationship's ripened enough

427
00:22:09,380 --> 00:22:10,419
now, don't you?

428
00:22:10,420 --> 00:22:14,980
Oh, come along, sexy. Give me a quick
kiss. Come on, let it all hang out.

429
00:22:15,940 --> 00:22:17,320
What day are you getting it?

430
00:22:17,820 --> 00:22:18,900
Nothing, Dr. Germaine.

431
00:22:28,919 --> 00:22:32,420
Now I know what's the matter with you.

432
00:22:32,421 --> 00:22:36,139
Very rarely do I ever visit somebody
who's written in, but just for once I

433
00:22:36,140 --> 00:22:39,379
wanted to reach across the printed page
and see for myself the kind of people

434
00:22:39,380 --> 00:22:40,959
who write these letters. And what do I
find?

435
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,010
A sex maniac.

436
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,810
Hadn't you understood anything? Didn't
you even read my...

437
00:22:50,060 --> 00:22:52,580
Butterfield? I don't understand.

438
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,980
Claire Butter... Finish! Oh,

439
00:22:58,100 --> 00:23:04,040
dear.

440
00:23:08,780 --> 00:23:10,440
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

441
00:23:10,441 --> 00:23:14,339
I see Claire Butterfield's got her fair
share of heartbreak again today, Archie.

442
00:23:14,340 --> 00:23:19,260
I don't want to hear about Claire
Butterfield, Norman, ever again.

443
00:23:19,261 --> 00:23:22,409
That's the trouble with him, Norman.
Just won't listen to advice.

444
00:23:22,410 --> 00:23:23,710
Shut up, Figgis.

445
00:23:24,870 --> 00:23:25,920
Wait a minute.

446
00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:27,650
Hey, Fig, look at this. What?

447
00:23:27,890 --> 00:23:30,480
Just here. The one from Worried
Housewife. This one?

448
00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:33,170
I am married to a long -distance lorry
driver.

449
00:23:33,171 --> 00:23:37,449
Recently, he's had a long spell in
hospital, during which time I found out

450
00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:39,560
he's having an affair with another
woman.

451
00:23:39,730 --> 00:23:42,560
Though he has promised to give her up, I
do not believe it.

452
00:23:42,810 --> 00:23:44,390
I have decided to leave him.

453
00:23:44,710 --> 00:23:46,210
What I want to know is...

454
00:23:46,211 --> 00:23:49,889
If I withdraw all the money from my
joint account and sell the house, which

455
00:23:49,890 --> 00:23:52,060
in both our names, will I be within the
law?

456
00:23:52,190 --> 00:23:53,990
My God, I've got to get my telephone!

457
00:23:55,010 --> 00:23:56,060
I'm striking!

458
00:23:56,210 --> 00:23:59,580
Would you believe it? Fancy Mrs Figgis
writing a letter like that!

459
00:24:25,230 --> 00:24:28,710
I'm sure I am.

460
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:33,310
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